In parenting, I’m often times flabbergasted at how quickly the mood can go from Yippee! This is going to be so fun to I hate my life and why did I bring kids into the world? Then, as quickly as the YUCK came along, there is some magical moment by a tiny human to bring sunshine into your world…. Which you know means a storm is lurking on the horizon. Ahhhh, the life of a parent.
What you think: “Sister Slumber party!! YAY!”
Reality: 4 hours past their bedtime, you’ve now NOT watched the movie you planned to with your husband, they’re both giggling, you’ve had 2.5 million conversations with them and you’re ready to gouge your eyes out with a dull pencil and list both of the sisters for sale on your city’s Facebook Swap & Shop site. You know you need to shut this shit down, but it’s brutally exhausting to think of the tears and the tantrums that will ensue.
What you think: “State Fair, baby!! Bring on the funnel cake. This is going to be SOOOOOOOO fun!”
Reality: Three tiny humans + miles of walking + during nap time + chocolate-covered-sugar-dunked-donut-fudge-on-a-stick-wrapped-in-bacon-with-a-side-of-cotton-candy-and-ice-cream-oh-and-how-about-a-pee-inducing-lemonade-to-wash-that-down.
The shows? You won’t watch them. The friends you are meeting there? You won’t talk to them. The beer tent? They won’t let your kind in. The rides? Just another reason for a tantrum, why bother?? We might need to put this idea back on the shelf for, oh, say… 15 years down the road.
What you think: “After a busy day, let’s just go out to eat – It’ll be easier than cooking.”
Reality: You just took your shit show on the road. For the world to see. Did you know that it takes TIME to cook meals? And since you’re not the one cooking them, you have a front row seat to the train wreck that is your life. Instead of the kids yelling at you because they’re hungry, they’re now yelling at a restaurant PACKED with people who HATE you.
What you think: “A professional sports team would be fun! The kids will love it.”
Reality: What toddler wouldn’t love being confined to their seat for hours watching a movie that isn’t animated and they don’t understand? Did you think popcorn would be the bandaid to get you through the “rest of the game?” Well, you played that card in the first inning, and that just made them hungry for nachos (also in the first inning). The hundreds of dollars we spent on these seats is only heartbreaking if you weren’t already heartbroken over your own stupidity in bringing your kids.
What you think: “My son LOVES basketball and ALWAYS talks about basketball and he said he WANTED to go out for a basketball team… So of COURSE we signed him up. Can’t wait for his first game!! (shriek!)”
Reality: The little f’er won’t leave my side. On our drive to his first practice, he informed me he NEVER liked basketball and he ONLY likes soccer and he WON’T play no matter what. A for honesty, because he held true to his word on this one. He wouldn’t step foot on that court if a pack of wild zombies was chasing him in that direction. He would rather receive a flu shot in his tongue and eat an entire plate of peas covered in cold gravy than play basketball. Or, that is was I can infer based on the fact that his head is shoved up my rear-end on the sidelines. When the coach asked, “Are you ready, bud?” he replied with a grunt of displeasure followed by tears. Shoot me now.
Who can add to this?? Come on, I know you can relate! Share your stories!